In 2006, a friend recommended a book to me called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.
She had been through a lot, and this book really helped her understand what had happened to her and her marriage. From our conversations, she knew I was experiencing some of the same things.
So I read it. Wow. I underlined something on almost every page. For the first time, I could put a label on my experiences. As I read, I recognized things I had been through, but hadn’t known how to explain. It was like a real wake-up call for me.
When you are inside a difficult relationship, it can be hard to understand what is happening. You may question yourself, wonder if you are being too sensitive, spend a lot of time trying to fix things, or continually try to figure out why someone treats you the way they do. Sometimes the behaviour is obvious. Other times, it is the constant criticism, blame, manipulation, intimidation, or need for control that leaves you feeling confused and questioning yourself.
This book helped me put some of my own experiences into words. It gave me a different way of looking at the behaviour I had experienced, and helped me recognize patterns I hadn’t understood before. I was so thankful for this book. I felt compelled to help other women in my situation, so I bought, and gave away multiple copies to other women.
Lundy Bancroft draws on his experience working with abusive men to explain the thinking behind controlling and abusive behaviour. The book explores the warning signs of emotional and verbal abuse, manipulation, power and control in relationships, and the questions women often ask when they are trying to make sense of a partner's behaviour.
For women who are questioning their relationship, trying to understand an angry or controlling partner, or wondering whether what they are experiencing is emotional abuse, this book offers information to consider and questions to explore.
In the following years, I learned about the GNM Aggressive Constellation, which explains anger problems through science, and makes the connection to the root of anger, including why and how it starts. But this book is a great start.
If you are searching for a book about emotional abuse, controlling men, manipulation in relationships, or how to recognize the signs of an abusive partner, you may want to take a look at this one.
Check out Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.
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Sometimes a book gives you the first step.