Narcissistic Abuse 04 WHAT IF
What If You Could Find Yourself Again?
After narcissistic abuse, you may spend a lot of time trying to understand the other person. You may read about narcissism, and go over old conversations in your head. You may wonder what was real, what wasn't, and why someone who said they loved you could treat you the way they did.
Understanding what happened can be helpful, but there comes a point when another question matters just as much: What happened to you?
You may have spent so much time thinking about another person's feelings that you stopped listening to your own. You knew what would make them angry, what would make them happy, and what would keep the peace, but you may have lost track of what you wanted.
You may even find yourself asking, What do I actually like anymore? That is where finding yourself again can begin.
Start with simple things. Notice what makes you happy. Spend time with people who make you feel comfortable being yourself. Return to an old hobby, or try something you have always wanted to do. Make a choice because you want to, without asking yourself whether someone else will approve.
These may seem like small things, but they help you reconnect with yourself.
You may also need to rebuild your understanding of boundaries. If you have spent years explaining yourself every time you say no, you may believe that someone has to understand your decision before you are allowed to make it. They don't. A boundary is about what you will accept, and what you will do when that line is crossed. You can say “no”. You can step away from an argument. You can decide what kind of behavior you will have in your life. That may feel very uncomfortable at first, especially if you are used to keeping everyone else happy.
You may also notice that some of the things you were told about yourself have stayed in your mind. Maybe you were called selfish, difficult, too sensitive, dramatic, or unreasonable so many times that you began saying those things to yourself. Those old messages can become beliefs.
If you believe that your needs don't matter, you may keep putting yourself last. If you believe that saying no makes you a bad person, you may continue saying yes when you really mean no. If you believe that other people's emotions are your responsibility, you may spend your life trying to keep everyone around you happy.
You may also need to learn to trust your discomfort again. If something feels wrong, you don't always need a perfect explanation before you are allowed to pay attention to it. You can listen to yourself before you have all the answers. This is why emotional healing can go deeper than simply learning about narcissistic abuse.
In my work, I look at emotional patterns and beliefs that may continue affecting the way a person thinks, feels, and responds. Understanding and changing these patterns can help you begin making different choices and relating to yourself in a healthier way.
You don't have to spend the rest of your life being afraid of repeating the past. You can learn to recognize unhealthy patterns earlier. You can become more comfortable with boundaries. You can learn to trust your own judgment again. You can care about people without taking responsibility for everything they feel. You can also learn what a healthy relationship looks like.
A healthy person can hear that they hurt you without turning everything back onto you. They can disagree without trying to punish you. They can respect your boundaries. They can admit when they have made a mistake and take responsibility for their part. You don't have to earn that kind of respect by becoming perfect.
Healing does not require you to excuse what happened, forgive someone before you are ready, or understand why they treated you that way. You can heal while still recognizing that the behavior was harmful. Healing can also become easier when you are around people who believe you, respect your boundaries, and allow you to be yourself. You don't have to figure everything out alone.
What happened to you may always be part of your past, but you can release the pain, and move forward creating a better life. You can begin making decisions because you want to. You can have your own opinions. You can enjoy your own interests. You can spend time with people who make you feel safe and valued. You can learn to listen to that quiet voice inside you again.
You are allowed to have needs. You are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to say “no”. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to choose what is healthy for you.
Healing from narcissistic abuse is about finding your way back to yourself.
If you have recognized yourself in these posts, the next step is to look more closely at your own experience.
Contemplate your responses to some QUESTIONS in the next post. Click here. →
Read more about Narcissistic Abuse: 01 WHY • 02 WHAT • 03 HOW • 04 WHAT IF • 05 Narcissistic Abuse QUESTIONS